Behind the Scenes
by Nightsmoke
Summary: What goes on in the world of Bleach when off screen? A little series of stories, cute. I believe the term used for these is "one-shot." Yes, I know I spelled "Inoue" wrong, sorry I don't know how to change it yet.
1. Lunch, the Human Ritual

**Behind the Scenes**

**_Chapter 1_**

_What goes on in the world of Bleach when off screen?_

_Summary of chapter:_ the mighty espada find themselves at odds with simple concepts of the human world. 

_A/N:_ This was hard to do, to try to keep the characters in character despite the comical situation. I had to keep to their dignified personalities as well as make them clueless to the elements of the real world, which is something that would be unlikely to happen in the actual series.

**All characters © Kubo Tite**

* * *

**I.**

**Lunch: the Human Ritual**

"So remind me again what we are doing in the real world?"

"I thought Aizen-sama had made it clear," Ulquiorra Schiffer replied calmly, staring at the tenth Espada with green, deadpan eyes.

"Yeah, but you know how hard it is for me to remember things." Yammy scratched his large head.

Szayel tossed a tress of pink hair away from his face and sighed. "I'll reiterate using terms your diminutive brain can construe, since Ulquiorra is so easily annoyed by redundancy." The octava espada paused to push his glasses farther up his nose, smirking at Yammy's scowl.

"Aizen-sama has been showing a concern for our prisoner's lack of consummation regarding our food supply. Although I myself find the concept a bit questionable, he believes that allowing Inoe Orihime to retrieve some food from the real world will encourage her to eat."

The tenth espada jabbed a finger in his ear, rotating it and cocking his head. "But why are we in the prisoner's home?"

"How should we know, dumbass?" Nnoitra spoke from the other end of the table. Five of Hueco Mundo's elite espada were seated inside a strange room. The room had a soft carpet and bright walls, unlike the cold stone of the hollow world. It was unlike anything they had ever seen.

"She said she was going to prepare us a fuckin' 'lunch' or somethin'. Must be one of those lame human rituals," a blue-haired espada stated rudely from across the table.

"But," Nnoitra added slyly. "You gotta admit, Pet-sama's house is pretty sweet, eh, Grimmjow?"

The sixth espada only grunted disgustedly in response.

"It'd be nice to see her in something other than an arrancar uniform. I wonder where she keeps her underwear…"

"Nnoitra, please do not impose upon us that our decision to bring you was a mistake."

"My apologies, _Ulquiorra_."

-- -- -- -- -- -- --

"Ano…"

At that moment a girl with long, copper hair appeared hesitantly in the doorway, speaking to signify her presence. She was clad in a mauve shirt that clung rather nicely to the lithe curves of her body. Dark bluejeans emphasized the voluptuous arches of her thighs and waist. The five espada watched her, unsure of what to do.

"Say anything and I'll kill you," Grimmjow muttered under his breath to a grinning Nnoitra, trying to quell the rising blush of his own cheeks. He had to confess, the prisoner looked rather…nice. Fortunately Ulquiorra took advantage of the sudden silence.

"Now, woman. Please carry on this 'lunch' that you mentioned earlier so we can return you to our world as soon as possible." His slitted pupils stared ahead detachedly.

Orihime's grey eyes brightened considerably and she gave a smile that deviated from her usual depressed demeanor in Hueco Mundo. She nodded, making her way over to the kitchen behind the small table. "I just went food-shopping, but I didn't know what the espada would like," she addressed them sheepishly.

"Just hurry it up, I get damn hungry in this world," Yammy exclaimed bluntly. Grimmjow and Nnoitra silently agreed with him.

Cooking helped Inoe forget her worldly troubles. Being imprisoned by Aizen in a world where the sun was nonexistent, being separated from her _nakama_, all of this was forgotten as the girl immersed herself in the various delicacies of her kitchen. It was good to be home, even if it was only for a little while.

As she opened packages and mixed various ingredients, Orihime listened to the small talk the espada were making. The elite of Hueco Mundo, here in her very own home, she mused. She smiled, wondering what her enemies did when they were not fighting or intending to important matters.

"So when we got into Karakura Town, I saw this place called 'Target,' you know?" Grimmjow began in an irritated voice to Szayel. "And you know how bad my cero aim is, so I went inside to check it out."

"And?"

"They didn't have a fucking target in the entire store!"

"Then why would it be called 'target?'" Nnoitra inquired lazily.

Grimmjow rolled his eyes, propping an elbow on the table. "Beats me. They did have all of this human shit, though. Oh Szayel," he added. "The amount of medicine that place had would put your lab to shame."

Szayel frowned. "What drugs could the real world possibly possess that I do not?"

The sixth espada snickered. "Lucky for you I swiped some on my way out. Humans can't see me anyway." He began to rummage through the pockets of his white arrancar robe, bringing out a few products. Grimmjow dumped them casually onto the wooden table. Orihime glanced over to see a small assortment of medications and such on the table, Tylenol and vitamins among them, as well as a box of tampons.

"'the hell is this?" Nnoitra picked up the bottle of Tylenol. "Some shitty human drug?" He tossed it to Yammy, who inspected the bottle, squinting to read the fine print on the label.

"It says it can relieve pain for up to 24 hours," Yammy declared, rolling the bottle over to Szayel.

The scientist looked at it thoughtfully. "Must be some sort of anesthetic humans use for their experiments," he said. "Though I think I will take a sample back to Hueco Mundo to have it analyzed."

Szayel reached over and took another box from Grimmjow sitting next to him.

"Tampon?" he read. The espada all looked up startled as Orihime dropped a spoon onto the floor, it clanging loudly. She picked it up red-faced, mumbling her apologies and saying that the food was almost ready.

"Hey, Orihime," Szayel turned towards her, one of the only espada to address the prisoner by her actual name. "This appears to be some form of probing device. As a human, you must know what this is."

"Ah---um, its—I mean—"

"Never mind her," Nnoitra waved a hand dismissively to cut off the stuttering girl. "Ask Aizen-sama when we get back. I'm sure he'll know." Szayel nodded.

Orihime approached the table reluctantly. "The food is almost ready, so we should clear the table," she announced, distributing napkins and placing two salt-and-pepper shakers in the center of the table. Once finished she turned toward the kitchen to resume her cooking, but—

"Woman, explain what these are," Ulquiorra's cool voice prevented her from leaving and she turned to face the espada once more. The pale man was gesturing to the shakers, allowing a shred of suspicion to creep into his impassive features.

Orihime breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, these?" she asked.

"They're called salt and pepper," she explained, smiling slightly at the looks of confusion on the arrancars' faces.

"They are used to season the food," Orihime continued, hoping to satiate their curiosity. "The white one is salt, which makes the food, um, salty, and the black one is pepper, which makes it spicy."

Ulquiorra nodded. "Now continue with the preparation of 'lunch.'" Orihime obliged and ducked into the kitchen quarters, auburn hair swirling behind her.

Grimmjow was fiddling with the pepper shaker. "The woman said this makes stuff spicy," he mulled, turning to Nnoitra.

"Nnoitra, ya think if I had some of this the chicks would dig me?"

"Pet-sama _did _say it made things spicy," the lean espada answered. "You should try it."

"They won't be able to resist me now," Grimmjow snickered. "Now, how do you open it?" He held the shaker up to the light, but upside down. The result was a cloud of black pepper raining down on his face.

"Shit!"

The blue-haired espada shook his head to rid the substance from his face and only ended up sneezing. Nnoitra laughed gleefully. Grimjow looked at the bottle and grinned.

"Nice," he smirked approvingly.

"Hey, Szayel, look what this stuff makes you do!" Without warning Grimmjow thrust the pepper shaker into the surprised face of the eighth espada.

"Hey—what are you doing Grimmj…ja…_atsch!"_

Ulquiorra closed his eyes as Yammy and Nnoitra burst into peals of laughter. "Idiots," he muttered.

"You should try some too, Ulquiorra," Grimmjow leaned over only to have a white hand grab his arm with lightning speed.

"Make me sneeze and your life will end here and now," the fourth espada said in a dark voice. His face remained blank.

"Aww, Ulqui-chan doesn't want an itchy nose?"

"Shut up, Nnoitra," Szayel said, tucking a lock of hair behind his ear.

A sudden _ding_ broke the tension at the table. "Ah, food's ready!" Orihime chirped from the counter.

She emerged with five plates of steaming food of various colors, setting them down in front of each espada.

"What is it, woman?" Yammy asked discourteously, his stomach rumbling eagerly.

"One of my own dishes," the orange-haired woman replied lightly. "The noodles are called 'pasta,' and since I couldn't find tomato sauce I used ketchup. But it was still too bland so I added some slices of banana and feta cheese for flavor."

The espada nodded, not understanding the odd names of the human food as they whizzed over their heads.

"Let us commence this ritual you call 'lunch,' now," Szayel announced, picking up his fork. They others lifted their utensils in agreement and began to eat.

After the first bite, Szayel felt himself turn green.

Yammy began to grimace and quickly swallowed.

Nnoitra coughed harshly, bringing a hand to hide his face. _"Shit!" _hecried in between half coughing and half retching.

"FUCK!" Grimmjow quickly snatched his napkin and spit into it. "What is this shit, woman?"

"I already told you, it's my special recipe for lunch," Orihime answered innocently, saddened that the espadas' reactions to her cooking did not differ from anyone else's who had dared try her food.

Grimmjow picked up the still-steaming bowl and threw it, its contents sailing out of the open window next to the kitchen.

"That was fucking disgusting, woman. You expect us to eat this shit?"

"Be quiet, Grimmjow."

"Huh? Ulquiorra, don't tell me you actually like this stuff?" Nnoitra looked at the fourth espada in disbelief as the stoic man continued to eat.

"It is not bad," Ulquiorra stated blandly as he dipped his fork into the mess once more.

"Ulqu…"

"No fuckin' way."

* * *

A few days later when the group had returned to Hueco Mundo, Sosouke Aizen summoned the five espada into a small meeting.

"Grimmjow, Nnoitra, Szayel, Ulquiorra, Yammy," he began in a smooth voice. "From your experience in the real world, did you find out the reasons to which Inoe Orihime will not eat our food?"

The four espada glanced at one another, silent. Ulquiorra, usually the first one to answer to Aizen's questions remained quiet, not wanting to reveal his personal opinions in front of Aizen-sama.

"Eh…" Szayel began testily. "Let's just say that the woman has a strange taste in delicacies."

"Strange?"

"She eats shit," Grimmjow stated bluntly, if a bit sourly. Ulquiorra gave the sixth espada a stare of daggers, finally speaking.

"What Grimmjow means is that _some_ of the espada were not accustomed to the woman's cooking."

Aizen nodded. "Ah, I see. Very well, you are dismissed."

"Oh, and Aizen-sama," Nnoitra called loudly from the door. "If you ever get an invitation to participate in something called 'lunch,' I advise that you decline immediately. It's a human form of poisoning."

_End._


	2. Winter Essentials

**Behind the Scenes**

A/N: A quickie here. I wanted to do something of Shinji and Hiyori. They don't get enough love (partially because the vizards are still fairly new to the series).

**All characters © Kubo Tite**

* * *

**II. **

**Winter Essentials**

Warm air escaped his lips and dispersed into the atmosphere. His breath was gone the instant it hit the cool air, fading like an early-morning dream upon waking. He rarely saw snow, and the monochrome world of white with its occasional flurries of precipitation fascinated him to no end. He inhaled the fresh, clear smell of a snowy winter day. A large snowflake landed promptly on his nose and began to melt once it touched his skin. Enjoying the chilling breeze, he closed his eyes and—

_SMACK._

"Oi, Shinji! Wake up, dickface!"

Hirako Shinji was painfully jolted out of his winter reverie by the stinging slap of an object the vizard's face had become all too familiar with. He winced and rubbed his cheek, surveying the small pigtailed girl in front of him who wore her usual irate expression and was holding a sandal in her right hand.

"Hiyori, that hurt," he whined, adjusting his cap so that it was in place with his golden hair.

"Next time pay attention when I'm talking to you," the freckled girl snapped, replacing the sandal snugly on her bare foot. Composing herself slightly, she turned to the taller vizard.

"Remind me again where we're going?"

"To the store, dumbass," Shinji replied. "You're the only one of us who didn't get their winter clothing yet. We can't afford to freeze or we won't be able to fight in the battle this winter."

Hiyori scoffed. "I already told you Shinji. I don't need them." She reached up and tightened a pigtail by pulling on both ends of the hair. "The clothes I have are perfectly fine."

"Oh yeah? Then how come I caught you sniffling the other day?"

Hiyori's scowl grew more pronounced and she said nothing, crossing her arms. "Whatever."

"Ah, here we are." Shinji saw the clothing store he was looking for in view and grabbed the smaller vizard's arm. "Come on, little asshole."

In response he received a painful goosing.

"Sometimes I miss beating up cheesedick," Hiyori sighed. "Is he coming back soon?"

Hirako rolled his eyes, approaching the sliding doors of the shop. "If you're referring to Ichigo, then I have no idea. That idiot is taking his sweet time in Hueco Mundo."

A blast of warm hair hit the two as they stepped inside the clothing store (Shinji still rubbing his smarting rear end). Hiyori seemed to relax visibly, as if she had been clenching her body up outside to ward off the icy weather.

"See you _were_ cold," Shinji muttered under his breath.

They turned their attention to the brightly lit shop, which was a colorful assortment of clothes and accessories, adding to the homely ambience. Hiyori walked over and touched the nearest article of clothing, cocking her head.

"And you expect me to get something here?"

"Tsch. You can be such a pain in the ass sometimes. Yes, you have to buy something." Shinji put a hand on his hip. "And I'm not letting you leave until you do."

If looks could kill, Sarugaki Hiyori would be the ultimate assassin.

"Besides," Hirako added slyly. "I thought all girls loved to shop. If you hate shopping then you must not be a girl."

"Oh Shinji, you are _so_ dead when we get back," she seethed.

"Fine," Hiyori stormed down the nearest isle of the shop. "Seeing as I can't beat the shit out of you here I guess it can't be helped." The petite vizard paused as something caught her eye, and she begrudgingly took a jacket off of its rack. Shinji followed, watching her.

After a few moments, Hiyori would stop to inspect an article of clothing, and if she deemed it worthy she would add the item to the small pile in her arms. Shinji watched this spectacle with amused eyes.

Perhaps the little brat didn't hate shopping as much as she thought she did.

"Shinji, wait outside," Hiyori ordered once they had reached the dressing room. She had collected a considerable pile of clothing, and Hirako had been the unfortunate vizard forced to carry her load. He handed the hangers over to her, finally able to stretch out his aching arms. Flopping down onto the little bench outside the fitting room, the blonde ran a hand through his hair and yawned. After a short while, Hiyori emerged from her room.

"Dammit, what kind of dumbasses put the mirror _outside_ the changing room?" she grumbled, hobbling over to the mirror in a fuzzy indigo sweater and jeans that didn't fit to her liking.

A stifled snort caused her to whip her head around.

"Is something funny, Shinji?"

"N-not really," He replied through a hand, snickering. "You look just like a blueberry." He couldn't help it and began to laugh at the ridiculous sweater.

Hiyori quickly scanned the fitting room to see if anyone was present. When she saw that they were alone for the time being, she quickly banged the taller vizard over the head.

"OW!"

"I'll come out when I find something that fits then," she snapped irritably, storming off into the fitting room and slamming the door loudly.

Shinji grinned, sticking out his tongue-ring and rubbing his head. "Touchy, touchy."

Hiyori remained inside her fitting room for quite some time. Truthfully, her ego had been rather wounded when Shinji had made fun of her, although she would never admit it aloud.

_Damn Shinji._

She found it infuriating that his words could affect her this much. After all, she shouldn't care so much about what he thought. It was ridiculous. Yet, some part of her was reluctant to exit the little changing room unless she was donned in something that was to his liking. She tried on a few outfits, wondering subconsciously in her head what Hirako would say to every one. It was a while until she found an attire that pleased her.

Shinji cracked an eye open to the creaking of the shop's fitting room door. He tilted his brown hat up so that his vision was not obscured, and regretted it a moment later.

She was clad in a shirt of dark green velvet, a soft emerald color that went nicely with her light hair. The shirt adhered to her slim frame and the ends were ruffled stylishly. The jacket she donned was a dark brown, and made of corduroy—the same material of Shinji's hat. A burgundy scarf made of a soft-looking fabric was wrapped expertly around her neck and trailed to the floor. In addition, she wore a pair of navy blue skinny-jeans that accentuated the athletic shape of her legs. Dark boots covered her feet as opposed to her flimsy diurnal sandals.

Shinji winced. The boots looked a great deal more painful than the sandals, he had to admit. But that thought was quickly discarded as he looked at her.

"Well, Shinji?" Hiyori looked at him with golden eyes. "Laugh and I'll kill you," she added darkly.

"H-Hiyori…um…well, it looks…" Shinji trailed off, surprised that his face was turning red. He tried again. "It's al—I mean, it's—"

"It's _what?_"

Shinji's shoulders slumped, and he directed his eyes towards her face.

"It looks, um, nice." He finished lamely.

Hiyori looked taken aback. "O-oh," she stammered, color rising onto her freckled cheeks. She looked down at the outfit.

"You really think so?" she asked quietly with a tone that was so unlike her usual brash and angry voice.

"Yeah," Shinji replied smoothly. He rose and walked over to her, lifting the burgundy scarf and holding it gently in his hand.

"I think it fits you."

Hiyori jerked her head to face him, suspicion immediately clouding her eyes. The distrust slowly ebbed from them, however, when she saw his face. His honey-colored eyes twinkled as a smile made them crinkle around the sides. They were eyes that held nothing but truthfulness and pure admiration.

The bastard was being serious, she mused. He really meant it.

That made her feel strangely contented.


	3. Human Game, Shinigami Style PART I

**Behind the Scenes**

_What do the character of Bleach do when off-screen?_

_Summary of chapter:_ Ikkaku, Ichigo, and Renji play a little truth or dare. All goes well until the impossible arises.

All characters © Kubo Tite

* * *

**Human Game, **

**Shinigami-Style**

**PART I**

"Oi, Renji."

"Aah?" A man with a long red ponytail who was lying on his back rolled over to face the speaker. 

"Do something to entertain us," Ichigo demanded, his left eyebrow twitching. Being his irascible self, the other Shinigami immediately became flustered.

"W-why do _I_ have to?" Renji exclaimed angrily. "You're the one who's bored so why don't _you_ do something?"

"_Teme_…"

--- --- ---

It was a lazy day for the inhabitants of Soul Society. The weather was balmy, and the swirls of white clouds drifted lazily across the spirit world. It was the perfect day to relax, save for three individuals who were sitting under a tree by the sixth division training grounds. 

"Shut up, I have an idea," Madarame Ikkaku hissed to the bickering pair. He was especially irritated that day because Iba-fukutaicho had drunk all of his sake…again. 

The other two turned toward him. "Eh?"

Ikkaku snickered. "Let's play a game," he began. 

"Game?"

"Yeah," the bald man said. "I heard of it from Yachiru, who said that it's played in the real world quite often. Don't ask me how the little brat knows," he added, raising an eyebrow.

"The real world, huh? So," Ichigo said in a skeptical tone. "What are the rules?"

"Well, apparently you give someone a choice of a question or a challenge, and they get to pick which one you should give them."

Renji butted in. "Well obviously you'd pick the question," he said confused. "What kind of idiot would pick the challenge?"

Ikkaku smirked and added slyly, "but the questions have to be very personal, designed to make the person feel awkward. Some would rather take the quest."

"Oh." Renji shifted uncomfortably. 

"Also, no matter what you pick, you have to do whatever the other person tells you to," the eleventh squad member piped up. "So if it's spilling your deepest secrets or eating ink, you have to do it."

"Ikkaku…" Ichigo began. "Are you talking about…truth-or-dare?"

The bald man shrugged. "Dunno what it's called, but it does involve truths and dares."

"THEN IT'S CALLED FREAKING TRUTH-OR-DARE!"

"WELL HOW SHOULD I KNOW WHAT IT'S CALLED!"

"Maa maa," Renji said, waving his hand in an attempt to calm down the two. They turned toward him.

"So…you guys wanna give it a shot?"

Renji nodded, then paused. "Wait," he said. "How do you play again?"

"You really are an idiot," Ichigo muttered. "I've played this before, so let me go first. Ikkaku, give me your zanpakuto."

"Wha?" 

"You heard me." Ichigo held his hand out, fingers tickling the air.

Ikkaku gave a 'tch' and reached for his belt. "Be careful with Hozukimaru," the shinigami warned. "He doesn't like to be woken up."

"Ah," the orange-haired boy agreed as he took the sword gingerly. "So, this is how it works."

He laid the zanpakuto sideways on the ground and gave it a quick spin. The sword's tip rotated rapidly at first, then slowed down gradually, finally coming to a stop at its wide-eyed master.

"Now, Ikkaku," Ichigo began with raised eyebrows. "Truth or dare? Choose wisely."

Ikkaku seemed to deliberate for a moment, scratching his bald head. "Uumm…truth, I guess. I don't even want to know what kind of challenges you have in store for me, Kurosaki."

"Alright, truth, truth…" the shinigami-substitute trailed off. He gazed absently at his surroundings while Renji remained silent. After a moment a small grin surfaced on Ichigo's face.

"Madarame Ikkaku," he addressed the eleventh member. "Have you ever had a relationship with another member of the Gotei thirteen?"

"Wh-wh-what type of question is that?" Ikkaku spluttered, turning red. Renji sniggered. "Remember you have to tell the truth," he piped up.

"Ah dammit!" Ikkaku swore loudly. "What's with this game anyway? Alright," he crept closer to Renji and Ichigo, glancing to his left and his right and pausing before he continued. 

"If you must know," he cleared his throat, "the eleventh division threw an open party last year when Zaraki-taichou was off fighting some hollows. Most of the Gotei thirteen came…and, well, Kotetsu Isane and I..."

Renji hooted gleefully. "Oh-ho ho! You never told me this, Ikkaku-san!" 

"Isane?" Ichigo frowned. "Isn't she one of those guys from the fourth division?"

"She's the vice-captain, you dolt," Renji replied. "But she's always so quiet! Who would have suspected…" 

Ikkaku's ears had turned an odd shade of red. "Tell anyone and I'll kill you."

Renji grinned. "Gotcha." 

After returning to a normal color, Ikkaku grabbed his zanpakuto. "My turn," he said gruffly before spinning the sword. The grin that he revealed when the sword came to a halt would have put Zaraki Kenpachi to shame.

"Look what we have here." Ichigo blanched when he saw the sharp metal tip pointing towards him. 

"Oh you're going to get it now, Kurosaki," he said. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare," Ichigo replied smartly. "I can handle anything you throw at me."

Renji sniggered. "Confident, are we?"

Ikkaku flashed a toothy smile, rubbing his hands together. "Alright, let's do this. Kurosaki Ichigo," he began in a tough voice. "I dare you to…to…"

"……"

The others stared as Madarame simply froze. "Ah shit! Hold on. Gimme a minute…" he furrowed his brow as if willing the ideas to enter his head. Nothing. His mind was at a blank. 

The three shinigami lapsed into a silence as the slight breeze ruffled their clothes.

"YOSH!"

Ikkaku and Ichigo nearly jumped a foot into the air at Renji's exclamation.

"W-what is it, Renji?" Ichigo asked, a hand to his thumping heart. Renji, with an ecstatic look did not answer and instead leaned over to Ikkaku, whispering fiercely into the bald man's ear. 

Ichigo watched as Ikkaku's face broke out into a smile, and by the time Renji had finished it was a full-blown grin. He giggled eerily. It was a deviant laugh, cold, the laugh that only those privileged to see Ikkaku's bankai got to hear before they were blown to smithereens.

"Renji I owe you one." He high-fived the red-headed shinigami playfully. Ichigo's spiky hair quivered ominously. If he were a character in a manga series the creator would have put an angry-mark over his head at that moment to represent the shinigami's impatience.

"Kurosaki Ichigo," Ikkaku began again. "I dare you to…"

Ichigo frowned in anticipation. "…to?"

"…to make Kuchiki Byakuya laugh."

The silence that followed seemed to last a lifetime.

* * *

Part II to come soon! 

What will happen now? (even I don't know.)


	4. Human Game, Shinigami Style PART II

**Behind the Scenes**

_What do the character of Bleach do when off-screen?_

A/N: I wasn't sure how to get poker-face taicho (aka Byakuya) to crack a smile, so forgive me for improvising. You will see a very brief reference to one of the recent Shinigami Picture Books. Hope this isn't too long. Of course Byakuya laughing will be o.o.c, nothing can change that.

All characters © Kubo Tite

* * *

**Human Game,**

**Shinigami-Style**

**PART II**

Kurosaki Ichigo blinked.

"Did I hear you correctly?" he asked bewilderedly, jamming a pinky into his ear and rotating it. Renji and Ikkaku wore identical impish expressions on their faces as they nodded.

"So how about it, Kurosaki?" Ikkaku declared. "All you have to do is make Kuchiki-taichou laugh. It's a dare, so you _have_ to do it or you're out."

Ichigo crossed his arms and legs simultaneously in a very child-like gesture. "It wasn't my idea to play Truth-or-Dare in the first place," he grumbled.

"Fine," the orange-haired shinigami acquiesced after a moment. "You guys owe me bigtime. Now, tell me what I have to do."

"We just told you, make Byakuya laugh!"

"No, you idiot, I mean _how." _

"Oh." The other two were momentarily at a loss for words. This was the hard part: how to get one of the most stoic men in all of Seireitei to crack a smile. A mystery…

"Well," Renji began. "The laughter shouldn't be drug-induced, so asking Mayuri is out of the question." Ikkaku dipped his head in agreement.

"And it can't be that little 'hn' thing that he does once in a while. That's not considered laughing," the vice-captain added. 

"Is Byakuya ticklish?" This earned Ichigo looks of stupefaction and skepticism from Renji and Ikkaku.

"Never mind. Next." 

"Renji, you must know something—he_ is_ your captain," Ikkaku protested.

"Ah, shut it. I tend to stay as far from Kuchiki-taichou as possible on most occasions," the tattooed shinigami exclaimed. "Especially if he's having a bad hair day."

"Which reminds me," Ichigo piped up, "I won't do anything that'd piss him off. Having my ass 'Senbonzakura-ed' is _not_ part of the dare." 

"True, we gotta be careful," Renji muttered. "I heard that last month the Shinigami Women's Association tried to raise their funds by taking candid pictures of all the captains…but they ran into a spot of trouble with Kuchiki-taichou."

"What happened?"

Renji shrugged. "Dunno. Isane and Nemu won't talk about it. _You_ should ask Kotetsu-san, Ikkaku," he added, a cunning smile playing about his lips.

"Sh-shut up!"

"So…ideas, guys?"

Ikkaku looked thoughtful. "You could dance dressed like a giant flower in front of his office." Ichigo felt a pulse throb in his temple.

"And how exactly would that make him laugh? Forgive me for saying so, but Byakuya doesn't look like the type to fall for humor like that."

"Good point," Ikkaku slumped his shoulders in defeat. "The idea came to me, since Kuchiki-taichou seems to like flowers a lot…"

"Man, you _suck_ at thinking of ideas."

"Hmm…" Ichigo proclaimed after a while. "Ah, how about this? Let's get Rukia to draw something funny on his wall."

"Huh?" Ikkaku had one eyebrow raised fractionally.

Ichigo cocked his head. "Oh come on, don't tell me you haven't seen her self-proclaimed 'works of art.' They're horrendous."

"I see," Renji said, an invisible bulb lighting up inside his mind. "Hey, let's get her to draw all of the captains on the walls of the sixth division headquarters!"

"Wait," Ikkaku interjected, "It's Kurosaki's dare, though."

"Ah, you're right." He looked at Ichigo, who flinched. "You and Rukia should draw them together."

"WHAT? NO WAY IN HELL!"

"_Shh_, Ichigo!" Ikkaku shushed the explosive boy, looking around to see if they had attracted any attention. Luckily they hadn't, and Ichigo continued in a lower tone.

"And what makes you think this will get him to laugh?"

"My captain is a bit dark-humored, in case you haven't noticed," Renji said while twirling a lock of fiery hair. "He relishes the concept of shadenfraude. Plus, I heard rumors that his drawing style is similar to Rukia's." 

"Really?" Renji's shoulders bounced in a shrug. "From what I hear."

"Anyways," said Ikkaku mysteriously, "I should probably distract the captain while Ichigo and Kuchiki, ah, _decorate_ the wall. Renji," The bald man turned to the vice-captain. "Give your key to Kuchiki Byakuya's office to Kurosaki and go find some…uh whatddyacallem's, crayons, or something." 

"Yeah!" Renji nodded vivaciously. "I'm starting to get excited about this!"

"Y'know, I've never seen Byakuya laugh," Ichigo stated thoughtfully. "This could be interesting."

"Neither have we," Ikkaku replied, standing off and brushing wisps of grass from his black robe. "Are you ready to do the biggest dare in history, guys? Now, Kurosaki, go find Rukia!"

* * *

Finding Rukia did not prove to be a difficult task. Ichigo found her practicing her kidou by the thirteenth division headquarters.

"Oi! Rukia!"

"Ichigo!" She called a greeting and ran lightly over to him, black hair glistening in the sunlight. Her expression immediately turned suspicious when she saw the shinigami's guilty face.

"What is it, Ichigo?"

"You're going to help me with something," he said gruffly, grabbing her thin arm and heading away from the training grounds. She quickly shook him off, but still followed.

"What's wrong? Is it a hollow?" She frowned.

"Um, no…"

"Then _what,_ for god's sake?" She was starting to become impatient. Ichigo turned to face her, his face a flushed combination of serious, embarrassed, and guilty expressions.

"Renji, Ikkaku, and I were playing Truth-or-Dare—"Rukia tilted her head, confused—"It's a human game where you basically dare people to do stuff, and if you don't do it, you're out," he quickly explained. She seemed satisfied.

"Just so you know the only reason I'm doing this is because I have to!" Ichigo protested quickly. "It's not like I'm curious or anything," he added, brown eyes dropping to the floor. Rukia could tell that he was blatantly lying.

"And?"

"And well, Ikkaku dared me to…" Ichigo coughed. "…make Byakuya laugh." 

Ichigo quickly explained the rest of the conditions to a bemused Rukia. The small shinigami didn't say a word the whole time.

"…So, I was hoping you would help," Ichigo finished lamely. He winced, preparing himself for her stubborn refusal that was all too familiar.

"Sure."

Ichigo did a double-take. "_Naniiii?_" 

Rukia smiled genuinely, her indigo eyes shiny and bright. "I think it would be good, to make Nii-sama laugh. He never does, and I think he should more."

"S-so, you'll do it? Really?"

"Of course, fool." Rukia brushed a stray tress of hair away from her face. "Let's see if you can keep up with my amazing artistic ability." And with that said, she took off, gracefully dashing to the sixth division headquarters.

* * *

"Madarame. Please explain to me why you require my assistance."

"Eh, Zaraki-taichou isn't feeling so hot, and I can't find Yachiru anywhere," Ikkaku replied to the stoic captain, hoping that his cold gray eyes could not see through the lie. "I tried doing his paperwork myself, but it's all captain-stuff. I couldn't find anyone else, and luckily I spotted you." 

He knew for a fact that the captains _did_ have paperwork on their own that could only be completed by them. Fortunately Kenpachi hadn't completed his yet (the lazy-ass) and Ikkaku had gotten the chance to swipe them before the captain had journeyed into the real world.

Byakuya sighed impassively. "I guess it can't be helped then. I will do Zaraki-taichou's paperwork for the time being. Madarame, remind your captain that he should complete his paperwork sooner instead of procrastinating."

"Yes, Kuchiki-taichou."

* * *

"That's odd. Where did Renji find crayons in Seireitei?"

Ichigo shrugged with a blank look on his face. "Yachiru, maybe." He turned to look at his surroundings, having used Renji's key to enter the empty office.

"So this is Byakuya's office? Pretty impressive." He whistled.

"I know," Rukia whispered. "And the walls are so white and clean…" Abruptly, she reached into the box that Renji had left and emerged with a fistful of colorful crayons.

"So, we just have to draw humorous representations of all the captains on the wall, is that it?"

"Well for you, just draw them normally." This comment received a whap on the head from Rukia.

"And what's _that_ supposed to mean, Ichigo?"

The orange-haired boy rubbed his head. "Ah, never mind. Let's do this."

Ichigo dug a hand into the crayon box and came up with some green, gray, black, blue, and peach colors. Those colors reminded him of a certain captain. He grinned. This could be fun.

Careful to make the proportions comically distorted, Ichigo drew a portrait of Histsugaya Toushiro on the wall. The hair he made ridiculously spiky and he drew a lollypop in the figure's right hand. _'I'm just an elementary student,'_ Ichigo wrote underneath the drawing before he could stop himself. _'Yet I can't look away from my vice-captain's breasts.'_

"Ichigo! What the hell are you doing?" Rukia had looked up from her illustration of Kurotsuchi Mayuri (which resembled something close to a goat) in shock. 

"Ah sorry, sorry, I couldn't help myself." Ichigo looked at the comment he had written underneath and smirked. "Try it, Rukia. It makes you feel better."

Rukia rolled her eyes. "Idiot."

But regardless, she picked up a brown crayon and scribbled underneath her drawing the first thing that came to mind. When she had finished she looked up at Ichigo, surprised. 

"I hate to admit it but you're right, it does make you feel better."

"_'I use my extendable ear to get what I want?'"_ Ichigo read, eyeing the rendition. It appeared to be a badly-drawn Kurotsuchi using his kusarigama-like ear to lasso a pretty woman.

"Mmm," Rukia said distractedly from the floor, already starting on the next drawing. 

"How lame. You can do better than that, Rukia." 

"Kisama! Watch this then!" the petite shinigami finished the next illustration with an exasperated swish of a crayon and vigorously began writing underneath it. When done, she motioned for Ichigo to read. He craned his neck, reading her elegant print, snorting.

"Now _that_ is funny."

In addition to the whiskers and cat ears protruding from the egg-shaped head of Soifon, Rukia had smudged a little message on top that stated: _My cat fetish has nothing to do with a certain Special Forces Leader, and I under no circumstances wish to see Shihoin Yoruichi naked…not with Urahara around, anyway. _

"Geta-boshi would get a laugh out of this if he saw," Ichigo claimed, referring to the witty store owner down in the real world. 

"Ne, Ichigo, give me a pink, will you?"

* * *

So Ichigo and Rukia continued like this for a few hours, laughing, bickering, sketching, unaware of the time passing by. It was surprisingly fun, caricaturizing the Gotei 13 captains and writing little snippets at the bottom. The two got carried away and ended up drawing most of the vice-captains as well on the (former) white wall. It was only when they felt a cold, familiar reiatsu approaching that the two shinigami realized that they had to stop. Rukia grasped Ichigo's sleeve and hauled him into the nearest closet of the office, joining him after she hastily stuffed the crayons behind a filing cabinet.

"Conceal your reiatsu, idiot!" she hissed. Ichigo nodded as he sensed the reiatsu of two drawing near and concentrated on hiding his own spirit force. 

"Ah, that's unfortunate, taichou," Renji's loud voice could be heard from outside the room. "I hope Zaraki-taichou gets better soon, paperwork's always a drag."

"Which reminds me, Renji," Byakuya began frostily, his low voice even more audible as he approached, opening the door to his office. "Please make sure you have completed your report for the—" 

There was a sudden silence. Rukia and Ichigo held their breaths from inside the closet. He had to have noticed by now. The wall was in plain sight. 

"What is the explanation for this?"

_Shit! It didn't work!_ Ichigo felt a bead of sweat roll down the side of his face.

"A-ah, um…" Renji stammered. He was doing his best to contain his amusement. They had gone completely overboard, he noted, glancing at the wall. Almost every major squad member was humorously depicted on it. 

Byakuya was speechless, not sure what to say. Then he looked at the wall more carefully, something catching his eye. 

It was a caricature of Tetsuzaemon Iba, the vice-captain of the seventh division. He was red-faced, seated on a crudely-drawn toilet with a cell phone in his hand. _'Sorry, Komamura-taichou,'_ the writing underneath said. _'Blame my tardiness on constipation and Ikkaku's stolen sake.' _

Byakuya brushed his scarf out of the way, feeling a slight smile threatening to tug at his lips. He turned his slanted eyes to the center of the wall, where Rukia had drawn an overly-large head of Renji. Ichigo had added extra tattoos and a French mustache for kicks. The face had bug-eyes and an open mouth which yelled, _'Taichou, can I get another tattoo? I promise I'll stop spending half my paycheck on sunglasses and I promise to __kick Kurosaki Ichigo's__ kiss my ass for you!'_ "Kiss my" had been written over a scribbled out "kick Kurosaki Ichigo's" in the speech bubble protruding from the cartoon-Renji's mouth.

Renji saw this and immediately flushed as red as his hair. He was about to fume when something stopped him. An odd sound. 

The sixth squad-captain had his back to Renji, and his broad shoulders were shaking up and down.

"Ano, taichou…?"

It could not be contained any longer. Kuchiki Byakuya threw back his head and laughed. He couldn't help it; the sound seemed to escape all on its own. It was a surprisingly pleasant sound, deep and booming. It seemed to fill the entire room, so alien yet so warm at the same time. 

Renji stared in utter shock. 

Impossible. 

"N-Ni-sama?" Rukia opened the closet door, stepping out cautiously, followed by an even more stupefied Ichigo.

Byakuya's eyes widened, the laughter still not having died from his lips.

"I see. So this was your doing, Kurosaki," the black-haired man said. He did not sound angry, but you could never tell with Kuchiki-taichou. He was not a man who showed his emotions easily. Most of the time.

"Ahe-he-he…" Ichigo smiled awkwardly, scratching his flamboyantly orange hair. "Uhm, I can explain. Ikkaku and Renji dared me, and I dragged Rukia into this." He cringed, waiting for whatever was coming.

"Oi, Ichigo!" Renji spluttered from the door. "I swear I had nothing to do with---"

"Renji."

"Y-yes, taichou?"

Byakuya turned to address everyone in the room. His voice was as deadpan as ever, but the words he said took everyone by surprise.

"This was…surprisingly amusing," he began. "I was unaware that you two harbored such a droll sense of humor."

"Thank you, Nii-sama." Rukia bowed, slightly taken back. Ichigo just gaped.

"Should we clean this up, taichou?" Renji stammered from the door, clearly waiting for the final blow.

Byakuya seemed to deliberate for a moment. "I think not," he said quietly. "The other captains might want to view this as well. We have been going through hard times as you are aware, and Seireitei could use some loosening up." 

"U-understood, Nii-sama."

"Good day." And with that, the sixth division captain was gone in a swish of a scarf and a rustle of fabric.

* * *

"NANIII? I MISSED IT?" Ikkaku was practically screaming. Rukia, Ichigo, and Renji removed their fingers from their ears tentatively.

"I never thought I'd see the day when Kuchiki-taichou would burst out laughing," Renji admitted. "It was a bit creepy."

"I feel you there." Ichigo sighed. "I'm just glad he found our sense of humor 'droll' and decided to keep the mural up."

Rukia wore a peaceful expression. "It's been so long since I've neard Nii-sama laugh," she said. "I think we did him some good with that mural."

"Do you think I can go see it?" Ikkaku inquired.

"Almost all of the Gotei thirteen has already," Rukia remarked dryly. She smiled. "They all got a kick out of it though. You should see the one we made of you!"

"…what?" Ikkaku froze. The others grinned mischievously. In a flash he shunpo-ed to the sixth division headquarters. Byakuya's office was open, and Ikkaku rapidly gazed at the wall, finding the rendition of himself.

It consisted of a very large-headed Madarame with shine-spots drawn on his bald head. _'Pachinko-head'_ was scrawled on top.

"' _I am proud of my baldness! Single handedly I can light up the darkest of rooms with the reflection of my head. Hairless power! Lucky!'"_ Ikkaku read, seething.

"**ICHIGO!" **

End.

* * *

Review would be nice 


	5. Man of Valor, Woman of Pea Soup

**Behind the Scenes**

_What do the characters of Bleach do when off-screen?_

_Summary of chapter:_ Ishida faces the consequences of reading in the rain, but receives a pleasant surprise.

**A/N:** I suppose you've seen the methods to my madness. I alternate between funny and sweet-ish chapters. This one was an attempted "cute." Expect a funny installment next! I'm bad at showing the weak sides of characters that don't belong to me, so whenever I want to show human weakness I usually make them sick. Sorry, Ishida.

**All characters © Kubo Tite**

* * *

**IV.**

**Man of Valor, Woman of Pea Soup**

He couldn't sleep.

It was nights like these, when the fierce rain pelted the roof of the orphanage loud enough to wake the dead that he wished he was not such a light sleeper.

Brushing thick ebony-black hair out of his eyes, he directed his face to the large window beside his bed. The glass was old and warped, even more so by the continuous drum of rain against the panes. The moon was completely obscured by rolling billows of storm clouds, looking more like shadows in the sky than actual clouds, casting the earth into a deeper darkness.

Ishida Uryuu actually preferred stormy nights such as these. Even though the rain made him restless, he could finally be free of the piercing glow of the moon that would find him every night through his window. The moon couldn't catch him tonight. 

Seeing as how sleep seemed unattainable, Ishida slipped on his glasses, grabbed a book, and slinked downstairs. Even though the Quincy lived alone, he still felt the need to be quiet. He did not want to disturb the almost magical ambience created by the blackness that was called nighttime. It was the one time when Uryuu could find some peace. 

The rain was beautiful, he thought as he stepped outside onto his backyard porch. The sound it made when showering the earth, the way the wetness on the leaves caught the reflection of the ever-transient moonlight that would occasionally poke its way through the tenebrous clouds. He sighed, and placed himself on the damp steps of the porch. Opening his book, Ishida began to read. Soon he lost track of time, and the young Quincy continued to read well into the night and into the first peaks of dawn.

-- -- -- 

"Ishida-kun?"

"Ishida. _Oi!_"

"What is it, Kurosaki?" Ishida sighed, recoiling at the loudness of the shinigami's voice. He pushed his rectangular glasses expertly up the bridge of his nose and turned around in his classroom seat. It was the next day, and Karakura High School was in session. The students were on their short break between classes, waiting for their teacher to arrive.

"Inoue and I have been calling your name for the past minute and a half!" Ichigo stated sourly from a few desks behind him.

"Ah, sorry." In truth, Ishida had not heard them at all. His mind had been wandering lazily, thoughts snaking through a pounding pulse Uryuu recognized as a headache. His eyes were shadowed; the skin underneath so darkly ringed one would have thought he was supporting two lovely shiners as opposed to lack of sleep.

Ichigo's eyes widened when the Quincy turned towards him. "Oi, Ishida, you okay?" Orihime lifted her head up and turned her wide gray eyes to the person in question.

Ishida bristled. _I don't look_ that _bad, do I? For someone so dense I'm surprised he could spot something wrong._

"I'm perfectly fine, Kurosaki," he replied stiffly. "Just tired." Ichigo seemed satisfied with his answer and leaned back in his chair, gazing out the window at the bright day. No traces of last night's rain remained, save for the little puddles on the ground. 

Orihime, however, was not as quick to let the matter drop. She rotated her body in the desk to face him in the row across, scrutinizing him innocently. "Are you sure you're alright, Ishida-kun? You look pale."

"Inoue-san, I'm always pale." 

Orihime was silent for a moment, absently playing with her long copper hair and looking down at her shoes. Ishida-kun _was_ always pale, true, she thought. But today he looks absolutely dreadful. She wondered if he might be sick. 

Without thinking, Orihime leaned over, silky hair swishing out in front of her, and placed an open palm on the head of the startled Quincy. He reacted just as she expected, she noted with amusement. Flustered and embarrassed at a woman's touch. That was Ishida for you.

"Ah-um, Inoue-wh—"

"Ishida-kun!" Orhime's marble eyes widened even more and she quickly removed her hand from his searing forehead. "You're really hot!"

"Really?" Ishida laughed uncomfortably. He shrugged his thin shoulders and turned away from her. 

"You should go home," the Orhihime advised. "You don't look well at all, Ishida-kun."

"I already told you, Inoue san. This doesn't concern you, so please stop worrying." 

The girl sighed. He was as stubborn as ever. Luckily the teacher entered the room and class started. Orihime was forced to drop the subject, still harboring some concern for the Quincy in the back of her mind.

Ishida found it hard to concentrate on the teacher's lectures throughout the day. He would zone out, gazing dreamily out the open window, mind swimming dizzily. His skin _was_ strangely hot to the touch, but Ishida paid it no matter. Orihime's constant glances his way every time he sneezed or coughed (which was happening rather frequently today) did not help his focus either.

He removed a hand from under his chin mid-lecture to produce another dry cough. Ishida sighed, massaging his aching temples. Perhaps he would lie down when he went home.

When the day had ended, Uryuu slogged home, relishing the thought of his soft quilted bed. However, he took one look at the winding staircase, which seemed miles high, and decided that the downstairs couch would be a better bet. 

He was not weak, as most people would have thought, giving his slender appearance and delicate glasses. He was actually quite fit. But at that moment, Ishida Uryuu didn't think he had a chance in hell of climbing those stairs. So, he dropped his backpack lightly on the carpet and plunked exhaustedly onto the couch, not even bothering to change or even lock the front door for that matter. He soon dipped into a fevered slumber where only the darkest of hollows lay waiting with open arms.

-- -- -- 

He woke sometime in the evening, for the sky was fading into a deep indigo. The first thing that he noticed was the presence of a blanket that was comfortably draped over his body. Ishida touched the quilt tenderly, recognizing it to be one from his own room, but strangely enough he could not remember going upstairs to retrieve it.

"Ishida-kun's awake, I see," a hushed feminine voice spoke from his right. 

"UUAAH!" He let out a startled yell of surprise and almost fell off the edge of the couch at the sight of the intruder, who was sitting in a chair next to the sofa.

"_I-Inoue-san?"_ Ishida blinked rapidly. "What are you doing here—I mean, how did you get in--

"You left the front door open," Inoue Orihime confessed sheepishly. "I was worried you might be dying or something so I came to check up on you!" She finished brightly.

"Ah, um, I see." Ishida grabbed his glasses from the little table next to the couch and pushed them up on his face, heart still beating rapidly. 

"So is Ishida-kun feeling better?" Orihime leaned in with an inquisitive expression that was not entirely without concern.

The Quincy's eyes widened. "How did you know…?

Orihime rolled her eyes. "Woman's intuition, Ishida-kun!" she chirped. "I also checked with this," the girl held up a thermometer. "You really should have stayed home. It's not good to push yourself."

Ishida made a small noise in response and looked away, embarrassed. 

"Oh, I almost forgot!" Orihime rose and bounded happily into the kitchen, emerging with a little bowl of soup and a spoon. Ishida eyed the soup suspiciously. It appeared to be a pasty green in color.

"What, may I ask, is that?"

"Pea soup, of course, 'Orihime-style!'

"I don't like the sound of that," Ishida groaned. The rumors of Orihime's cooking that often circulated throughout the school were enough to scare even the Quincy. 

"It'll make you feel better, silly." Orihime held the bowl out to him, which he took tentatively. He felt awkward as she watched him take a small sip.

"I'm…impressed, Inoue-san," Ishida began after taking another mouthful. "This is good." He had come very close to saying "relieved." The soup wasn't half-bad. It was strange-tasting, but not unpleasant. 

Orihime watched him eat quietly. "How did you catch a cold anyway, Ishida-kun?" she asked after a moment. 

Ishida sniffed lightly. "I don't know. Perhaps I stayed out in the rain too long last night."

"Eh? What were you doing?"

"Um, reading," the Quincy admitted guiltily. Orihime tossed a lock of auburn hair behind her shoulder and laughed. 

"Well you're bound to get sick if you read outside in the rain! Even I know better!"

Ishida turned red. With the pea soup eaten he placed the ceramic bowl on the table next to where his glasses had been.

"Anyway, thank you, Inoue-san. I am feeling better now." And it was true. The Quincy already felt warmer, and his headache was ebbing fast. 

Orihime reddened slightly, her cheeks a rosy pink. "Don't mention it, Ishida-kun." She rose again, grabbing her jacket. Ishida noted that she was still in her school uniform, and that caused a strange wave of emotion to flood his body. 

"I guess I should head home then," she stated awkwardly and a bit sadly, Ishida noted. "Be sure to get some rest to get rid of those bags under your eyes and eat plenty of healthy foods!"

"Wait—um, Inoue-san…" She stopped at the door, looking at him curiously. He was blushing uncharacteristically, not looking at her. His hands fiddled with the cross-shaped bracelet that dangled from his wrist. 

"Yes, Ishida-kun?"

"I, um, wouldn't mind if you stayed," Ishida said quietly. "If you're not busy, I mean…" he trailed off. He wasn't sure how to tell Inoue-san that he actually enjoyed her company. 

It turned out he didn't need to. Orihime beamed and slowly set her coat back down. "Is-is that okay with you? You need your rest and all..

Ishida closed his eyes and pushed his glasses once again up the bridge of his nose in a "classic Ishida" gesture. "But if you're not here, I don't know who'll make me that delicious soup," he stated flatly.

Orihime's gray eyes lit up like polished marble. "Hai!" she exclaimed, and went to take a seat beside him once more.

End.


	6. Female Phenomenon

**Behind the Scenes**

_What goes on in the world of Bleach when off-screen?_

_Summary of chapter:_ Ichigo tries to get to the bottom of Rukia's strange behavior. Rated T, for mentions of menstruation.

**A/N:** I could not think of a better idea, sorry! I am almost out of ideas so I should be finishing 'Behind the Scenes' in the next few chapters.

**Characters © Kubo Tite**

* * *

**V.**

**Female Phenomenon**

"Good morning, ICHIGO!"

"God, don't you ever shut _up!_"

Kurosaki Isshin's face met his son's foot with a resounding smack. Grumbling something low and indistinct, Kurosaki Ichigo ran a hand through his bedridden orange hair and proceeded to get dressed, stepping lithely over the twitching form of his father. Picking himself up with an effort, Isshin headed downstairs to the kitchen with a dark bruise swelling on his cheek.

Once his father was carefully out of hearing distance, Ichigo rapped once on the wooden sliding door to his closet.

"Wake up, Rukia," he said as he finished buttoning up his shirt. "It's the first day of summer, don'tcha know?"

There was no response on the other side of the door. Ichigo frowned, then smacked the door louder.

"Oi, Rukia! Did you hear me? Wake u—"

"I'M UP, ICHIGO!"

Ichigo winced at her volume, which drilled straight through his head at this hour in the morning. "Alright, alright, you don't have to shout," he griped.

"Anyway, I'm goin' to that new ice cream store that opened up by the high school around lunchtime. Wanna com—"

"—No."

"Uh, you sure?" The thick wood of the closet door did not conceal the petulance in her voice.

"I said _no,_ Ichigo."

"Hmph. Fine, then." Ichigo huffed and grabbed his wallet. "Sleep your day away. See if I care."

The only response he got from behind the closed door was silence.

* * *

Ichigo sat under an umbrella-ed table outside of the ice cream parlor, seething. Chad was currently training in Seireitei with Renji and Orihime had plans with Tatsuki for the day, which had left Ichigo with only two options left. Unfortunately for him, Mizuro _and _Keigo had _both_ cancelled on him at the very last minute, leaving the orange-haired shinigami sitting by himself at the parlor.

Not the best way to start off a summer vacation.

Well, as long as he was here, he might as well make the best of it.

Ichigo rose from his little table, stepping out into the warm sun momentarily before entering the café. Once inside, he glanced at the colorful assortments of ice cream and gelatos, finally deciding on a plain vanilla cone (you would have thought strawberry, ne?).

The ice cream wasn't half bad, he thought as he made his way outside, licking the smooth flavor from its cone. He returned to the shade of his umbrella-ed table, closing his eyes at the decadent flavor that was so pure and cool against the balminess of the summer day.

"Yo."

Ichigo's eyes flew open. "IyaaarrRukia?!" He attempted to transform his yell of surprise into something coherent at the sight of the small person sitting across from him at the round table, barely succeeding. Several customers seated outside glanced their way briefly before returning to their business.

The small, dark-haired shinigami recoiled, squinting one indigo eye shut. "Not so loud, fool."

"What are you doing here?"

Rukia threw him a sulking glare. "What does it look like? I'm at an ice cream store for my health?"

Ichigo ignored the blatant sarcasm. "I thought you didn't want to go, idiot."

"I…changed my mind," Rukia stated embarrassedly. The other looked at her, eyebrows raised.

"I see."

"Now, Ichigo, I would like this ice cream," she said flipping a rogue tress of dark hair out of her face.

"'This ice cream?'" Ichigo repeated. "Don't tell me you've never had it before."

Rukia replied, "I only had it once before, many years ago. I do not remember the taste, so I thought I'd refresh my memory. The humans seem to like it a lot here."

"Well, who doesn't like freaking ice cream?"

She chose not to answer this. "Ichigo," she said, her eyes shut. "Get me a chocolate ice cream."

The orange-haired boy started. "Eeh? What makes you think I'm going to get it for you?"

Rukia's eyebrow twitched. "Because I said so, fool."

Crossing his arms, Ichigo stated, "Nuh-uh. If you want it so badly, go in and get it yourself." Big mistake.

Rukia leaned over the little glass table in a flash and grabbed the front of his collar, her expression livid. Ichigo gave a startled squawk.

"You _will_ go inside," she hissed. "And you _will_ get me a chocolate ice cream. _Now._"

"F-fine, I'll go get your chocolate ice cream, wait here," Ichigo mumbled, a bit uneasy by her sudden flare in reiatsu and fiery indigo eyes. "Teme," he growled under his breath as he rose once again from the shaded table and headed into the store, straightening out his shirt.

_Irascible today, aren't we, Rukia?_ He wondered what was up her ass.

Just to make sure to satisfy her, Ichigo ordered the largest cone of chocolate ice cream on the menu. He didn't want to piss Rukia off.

Wait, what do I care if she blows her top at me again? He thought as he watched the man behind the counter whip the silky ice cream in soft swirls around the cone. She's the one who started it.

"Here you go, customer-san," the man said as he finished, holding up the oversized, glistening cone.

"Ah, thanks," Ichigo said as he left some money on the counter and walked out.

His henna eyes widened when he approached the table and saw Rukia looking rather odd. Her legs were drawn up to her torso in an almost fetal position and her arms were wrapped around her knees tightly. As he got closer Ichigo saw that her face was pale and strained; she was biting her lip and a bead of sweat rolled lazily down the side of her face.

"Um, Rukia? Here's your chocolate cone." He gave her a quizzical look.

"Thank you, Ichigo." Her tone was soft and kind, much unlike the explosive demeanor that she had exhibited only minutes ago. Odd.

"What's up with you?" He asked casually as he seated himself at the table. She took the cone tentatively from him and brought it to her nose, sniffing it.

"N-nothing. Don't concern yourself with my matters." God, she looked almost in pain, Ichigo thought. He felt some of his annoyance at her ebb.

"You sure?" Was all he could say.

"Mm," Rukia answered, nodding. Hesitantly, she poked the tip of her tongue out and gave the cone a small lick. Ichigo watched as her eyes sparkled, and she began to consume the ice cream with more confidence. It was kind of cute, really.

_Cute?_ Ichigo dismissed the passing thought as nonsensical, giving his head a shake as he immersed himself in his own vanilla cone (which was starting to drip slightly), forgetting all thoughts.

"The ice cream was good," Rukia noted after she had finished the entire cone. Suddenly, her face scrunched up uncharacteristically.

"What is it, Rukia?" Ichigo inquired hurredly, taken aback by her expression. "Brainfreeze?"

"No, not that," she replied, actual tears standing in her eyes. "It's just that…that—"she emitted a small sob—"_the chocolate ice cream is all gone!"_

With that said, Rukia promptly let a tear course its way down her pale, smooth cheek. Ichigo stared at her, dumbstruck. His visage of stupefaction was for a number of reasons.

One, Kuchiki Rukia never cried.

Two, even if she did, it certainly would not be over such a trivial matter.

Kurosaki Ichigo just gaped at the dark-haired shinigami, unsure of what to do. He ran a hand awkwardly through his bright, spiky hair and waited for her to finish.

"Umm…should I get you another one?" He asked cautiously.

Rukia shook her head vigorously. "No, no, don't, I'm good.." She swiped at her eyes and caught him staring at her.

"What?" she snapped.

"N-n! Nothing," Ichigo stammered. She gave a curt nod.

"That's what I thought. I'm ready to go home now, fool." She stood up, and Ichigo noticed how she wobbled slightly upon standing.

The two walked home in a silence that was not all entirely unpleasant. When they reached Ichigo's house, Rukia went straight up to his room and to the bed in her closet.

"Night, Ichigo."

"Night?" He looked at the digital clock on his bedside table. "It's only three thirty!"

"You got a problem with that?" She gave him a violet glare. Feeling her reiatsu seeping out, Ichigo only shook his head, bewildered.

* * *

A sudden noise pulled Kurosaki Ichigo slowly from his slumber. A hollow, his mind instinctively thought as he sat up to look at the full moon in the sky, which could be seen from his bedroom window.

No, that couldn't be right, he thought. He did not feel any hollow presence nearby. His eyes widened as he _did_ see his closet door open fractionally and a faint light emitting from under his bathroom door.

Careful as to not wake anyone else in the house, Ichigo slid off his bed and slinked towards the bathroom.

"Oi, Rukia." He spoke softly to the door.

"What are you doing up, fool?" could be heard mutedly from the other side.

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "I'm throwing that right back at'cha," he replied. "Seriously though, you okay? You've been acting strange since this morning, Rukia."

The words were out before he could stop himself. After a moment of quiet, the bathroom door opened to reveal Rukia clad in silky striped pajamas standing to face him with an annoyed look on her face.

She sighed. "I thought I told you not to concern yourself with my matters, Ichigo? It is nothing."

"Oh really? Then what is that 'nothing' behind your back?"

Rukia blanched. Terrific, the brat had noticed. He craned his neck to look behind her and she quickly switched what she was hiding to the other hand. After a moment of this Ichigo grew tired and simply gripped the shinigami's thin shoulders and spun her around.

Ichigo saw what was in her hand and immediately let go of Rukia, taking a voluntary step backwards. A wave of understanding, yet not understanding washed over him.

_So _that's_ why she's been acting strange_, he thought silently. _I should've known._

Rukia was glowering up at him, a slight flush on her cheeks. "Happy now?" she muttered indignantly. She waved the thing in her hand around dismissively. It was a box of tampons, the seal having already been broken.

"So now you know, okay?" She sighed. "Now go to bed."

"Ah-um, au—" Ichigo grasped for words, still eyeing the box suspiciously.

"What, cat got your tongue?" Rukia waved the box around again, and observed how Ichigo flinched from it, almost as if he was afraid of the little bits of plastic.

A devious grin formed on Rukia's lips, a grin so devilish and wide that it made her eyes slit like a feline's. This could be fun. Without another word, she slipped her hand into the depths of the box and pulled out a tampon. Ichigo's dark eyes widened.

"Ne, Ichigo. Do you know what this does?" she asked slyly. He did not answer, but merely mouthed like a fish out of water. She continued.

"It's like a syringe really, used when women have their periods." At the mention of the word "period" Ichigo recoiled. Rukia did not miss that.

"Yes, periods. So, when a woman is leaking, do you know what she does?"

Ichigo found his voice at last. "No-No! I don't know and I don't want to know!" He shook his head fiercely.

"This big thing here is just to help, but the little one here—"she tapped the smaller tube—"you use a finger to push it into your—"

"Nya-la-laa laaaah, I'm not listening!" Ichigo clapped his hands over his ears frantically and turned away from her. Rukia chuckled.

"Why so afraid, Ichigo?" she asked innocently. "After all, this is a completely natural process in the cycle of life."

"And tell me what is so natural about _that_ thing?" Ichigo said hoarsly, pointing to the tampon.

"Well, since you asked, I will tell you—"

Ichigo cut in, as quiet as possible. "No way in hell. I already said I don't want to know.

Rukia chortled coldly, the sound eerily filling up the entire bedroom.

"Want me to show you?"

Ichigo's eyes bugged out and he turned bright red. "N-n-n-_aaargh_! Just leave me alone, dammit!" He turned to dash back to his bed, but Rukia followed.

"What's so scary about this little thing?" She dangled the tampon by its string in front of him.

He let out a small yelp and scurried to the other side of the room. Rukia chased him with the tampon suspended from her hand.

"Look, Ichigo, it even has a string to make it easier to pull out!"

"_Fuck!_ Leave me alone!"

"But if you don't put it in right it can hurt!"

"ARGH!"

* * *

Some time later, Ichigo lay on his bed, panting, while Rukia lay on the floor next to him, propped up against the poster of his bed. She had chased him around his room until they both had grown too exhausted to move. Already the first peaks of dawn were poking their way through the night sky and sending a faint glow into the room.

"I've just realized, Rukia," Ichigo said breathily, staring at his ceiling, "How lucky I am to be a guy."

"Kisama," Rukia replied with her eyes closed. "At least we can't get kicked in the balls."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

_"OW!"_

End.

* * *

I'm running out of ideas! A review would be nice, thanks. =


	7. Foxy Musings, Hidden Sanctuary PART I

**Behind the Scenes**

_What goes on in the world of Bleach when off-screen?_

_Summary of chapter:_ Someone unexpected manages to cheer Ichimaru Gin up when he is feeling down. Occurs after chapter 250 in the manga—the first part of this will be of a darker tone, while part II will be lighter.

**All characters © Kubo Tite**

* * *

**VI. **

**Foxy Musings, Hidden Sanctuary **

**PART I: **Envy of Simplicity

"_Pure beings are always drawn to each other…"_

He walked down the stark-white halls of Las Noches, his feet pattering softly on the tiled floors, aqua eyes slitted, as always. His flaxen silver hair hung about his face in a stringy halo. The only difference one would note about Ichimaru Gin's appearance if they saw him now would be that the astute and lopsided grin that perpetually plagued his face was not as wide as it typically was.

In truth, he was actually a bit bothered by what had happened earlier in the monitor room.

"_To be honest, I believe anyone would be wary of you…"_

Tousen's words wouldn't have irked him as much if they hadn't been true. Gin sighed, a bony hand rubbing the back of his neck. But now, in a time of invasion, such emotions were uncalled for. He supposed he was similar to Ulquiorra in those regards, a phlegmatic being, existing only to serve and carry out duty. But even Ulquiorra didn't like him. No one did. Should that bother him?

His true self was so excellently concealed that at a first glance one would only see the false cheerfulness glazed over it, his ever-present smile like decadent icing on top of a spoiled cake. The icing was thick enough to cover the distasteful mess underneath, but if someone dared take a bite…

Only a select few had possessed the courage to wipe away the frosting. Rangiku had been one of them. A vixen for his foxy smile, she had attempted to remove some of the rotting disarray inside of him, but he had chosen a different path to follow. Rangiku was merely a past remembrance, her life a story that would soon end when Aizen-sama finally carried out his plan. Gin wondered if his life was also some sad story, one that had ended long ago despite the number of blank pages still left.

With a gentle swish of white fabric, Gin glided to the library of Las Noches, a place that was scarcely inhibited by most espada and arrancar. Most of them did not feel the need for such petty luxuries.

He kept the lights dimmed, free at last from the glaring brightness of the edifice. It was quiet, a heavy silence weighing down the air in the deserted library. Just how he liked it.

Closing his eyes fully, Ichimaru placed himself in a chair and let his head rest against the back of it.

"_Anyone would be wary…of you."_

Was it his fault for possessing such a furtive demeanor? Maybe he had a reason for always smiling. Nobody knew a thing about him, yet they judged him based on the barrier that he put up to protect his true feelings from seeping through. Was there no one who could see past that? Was there--

"Uuuaah."

Gin felt a slight tug at the base of his hakama, and glanced down.

"Well, what do we have here?" He exclaimed nonchalantly at the arrancar at his feet.

"We just keep runnin' into each other, don't we, Wonderweiss-san?"

The blonde hollow only gave a gurgle, surveying the shinigami with saggy violet eyes.

"Uuu... uuah."

Gin smiled and cocked his head. "Sorry, didn't catch that."

Wonderweiss pulled at Gin's white hakama again and waved a hand to the door.

"_Ooooo_."

The small hollow rose and floated towards an isle in the dim library, turning back to stare at Gin. "I suppose you want me to follow ya," the shinigami said with a sigh as he heaved himself sinuously out of the chair.

I wonder how the retarded child even _found_ this place, Gin thought as he followed the small arrancar, stopping at the isle where Wonderweiss was standing.

"Uuu. Uu." The blonde boy was pointing to a thick white book that lay on one of the higher shelves in the isle, jumping up and down lightly.

"Ya want this one?" Gin inquired foxily, reaching for the book.

"Uuah!"

Gin was nebulously curious, in spite of himself. Stretching lithely, he grabbed the book and extracted it from the shelf, blowing off the caked dust so that he could read the title. Wonderweiss clapped his hands gleefully. How nice it would be, Gin mused, if his life could be as simple and carefree as this child's. No worries, simple pleasures, no pain.

"What's this we have?" he murmured as he read the title, in a slightly more serious tone, more to himself than to Wonderweiss. His turquoise eyes opened fractionally.

Ichimaru Gin was speechless as he stared at the book. What was something like this doing in the private library of Hueco Mundo? More importantly, _why_ was something like this here?

Wonderweiss Margera stared at the shinigami with magenta eyes that sparkled despite the dimness of the library.

"_'Fairy Tales?'_" Gin read.

"Aaahmn." The small arrancar stuck a finger into his mouth and gave Gin an eager look. He went over to the silver-haired man and flipped open the cover.

Gin chuckled amusedly. "Ah, you want me to read this little ol' book to ya, don't you Wonderweiss-san?"

The only answer he got was a drooly grin.


	8. Foxy Musings, Hidden Sanctuary PART II

**Behind the Scenes**

_What goes on in the world of Bleach when off-screen?_

_Summary of chapter:_ Part II is here. Gin and Wonderweiss familiarize themselves with a classic Fairy Tale.

A/N: When Gin is reading, sorry for not using quotations within quotations, like you normally should. This was because I did not know how to write a quote within a quote within a quote. Heh.

**All characters © Kubo Tite**

* * *

**VI.**

**Foxy Musings, Hidden Sanctuary**

**PART II**

Ichimaru Gin looked at the book in his hand, reading the title once again. _Fairy Tales_, it said.

He remembered vaguely of his real-world studies when he was a Gotei 13 student back in his Seireitei days. Fairy Tales were like ancient stories, Gin recalled, tales with morals attached to them that were passed on for generations.

Apparently the tales of fairies were vastly popular in the human world.

It was amazing that the former third division captain remembered that much giving all the chaos that had enveloped the last few years or so. Grinning with false courtesy, Ichimaru turned toward the young arrancar in front of him.

"An' what makes you think I'm gonna read this here book to ya?" He asked sweetly.

"I thought you didn't like me, Wonderweiss-san." _Like everyone else in this world._

Wonderweiss Margera did not respond, but merely reached over and promptly flipped the book open in Gin's hand to a random page, fingers still in mouth.

The shinigami looked at the page, which had in large old-font letters printed on it: _Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs._

An odd title, he thought. In the back of his mind Gin wondered what the story could be about. He was pitifully unfamiliar with human stories.

"Uuah. Nah. _Naah_," Wonderweiss flapped his hand towards the reading chair than Ichimaru had been sitting in previously, magenta eyes eager. The blonde boy pulled at the hem of the shinigami's powder-white hakana.

Gin sighed. He supposed it couldn't be helped, since he admittedly had nothing to do for the time being. He would read this retarded child the book, then get back to planning. Maybe switching the halls again to play with those ryoka would put him at ease.

With the faded white book and a small blonde arrancar at his heels, Gin silently made his way over to the chair, seating himself fluidly. Wonderweiss placed himself on the library floor in his usual huddled crouch.

"Wouldn't you rather be with Tosen?" Gin asked the mute boy. "'Pure beings are always drawn to each other,' and I know how you like him so," he continued, quoting the words of the former ninth division captain.

The boy only poked the book's spine. "Ooo."

"Alrigh' alrigh' I'll read." And he did.

"Once upon a time," Gin began. "There was a queen who had a baby girl whose skin was as white as snow, so they named her Snow White." _What a stupid name_, he thought.

"Uu." Wonderweiss tugged at Gin's robes for him to continue.

"When this queen died, the king married another woman who was an evil witch. The witch had a magic mirror that when the new queen asked, 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?' the mirror would respond, ''Tis ya,' until Snow white came 'round." Hah. Gin could easily think of one person who would easily beat Snow White at this game of paleness. He may or may not have been thinking of a certain Cuarto Espada.

After a pause to allow this thought to run through his head, the foxy shinigami resumed his place on the page. This was sort of interesting, he thought humouredly.

"Jealous that there was someone fairer than her, the queen ordered a huntsman ta go out and kill Snow White an' bring her back the girl's heart as proof."

Wonderweiss gasped at Gin's feet, clutching the fabric around his ankles harder. Gin's grin was amused.

"—But when the huntsman went to stab Snow White with his knife, he found that he couldn't kill the po' girl out of pity." What a pansy.

_And who kills someone with a knife? Where was his good ol' zanpakuto? At least use kidou or something, honestly._

Gin felt the arrancar loosen his death grip on the shinigami's clothes. "Uu…"

Ichimaru continued. "The huntsman instead told Snow White to flee into the forest and brought back the heart of a pig to present ta the evil queen…" Wonderweiss gave a burbling chuckle from the floor. "And after stumbling around lost in the woods Snow White came across a little cottage that belonged to seven dwarfs."

"Uuuuah?"

"Yes, seven male dwarfs. It says here their names were Bashful-san, Happy-san, Sleepy-san, Grumpy-san, Doc-san, Sneezy-san, and Dopey-kun. They were all named after their most prominent traits." Gin leaned over to look at the small arrancar, leering.

"Y'know, I think you do resemble Dopey-kun the most, Wonderweiss-san." The blonde hollow clapped his hands together with a lopsided grin.

"So when Snow White came, they all welcomed her, except for Grumpy-san since he was always grumpy." Living with seven men, that must be awkward.

"Umee?" Wonderweiss looked at Gin confusedly.

"Yeah, Grumpy. Y'know, like not nice." Wonderweiss's expression did not change.

"Grumpy," Ichimaru repeated. "Kinda like this." Gin made a false pout and crossed his arms over his torso, fox-like smile momentarily vanishing in the midst of his charade.

Wonderweiss grinned, the corners of his mouth turning up happily. "Uuu!" The little hollow stood on his knees and leaned over the pages, appearing to scrutinize the words with a violet stare. He placed a small finger to one of the dwarf's names. Gin raised his silver eyebrows. He didn't think the child could read, could he?

The silver-haired man looked at the name Wonderweiss was pointing too. The arrancar had a puzzled look on his face.

"Ah, that's Sleepy-san."

"Eee?"

"Sleepy, y'know." Gin put his thin hands together and placed them sideways on his gaunt cheek, emitting a snore for effect.

At the simulated snore Wonderweiss gave a start, cocking his head. The arrancar tried to repeat the sound, giggling as he did so.

"Yeah, like that."

Ichimaru eventually found himself depicting representations of all seven dwarfs, much to Wonderweiss's amusement. The kid clapped his hands gleefully, blonde hair swinging about.

Gin came to the last remaining dwarf. He turned toward Wonderweiss, elbows propped.

"An' this one, Wonderweiss-san, his name is Happy-san." The child gave Gin a blank stare.

"Happy," Gin said, pointing to his face, which held his generic smile.

"Uuuuu." Surprisingly, the hollow emitted a protesting noise and shook his head from side to side. Gin frowned.

"What do you mean, no?" His smile grew more pronounced as his slitted eyes narrowed.

Wonderweiss jabbed a finger to the book, then to Gin's face, shaking his head. "Uahhh."

"I don't get quite what yer sayin, Wonderweiss-san." The diminutive arrancar just continued to point to Gin's face and shook his head.

"Are ya sayin' this isn't a happy face?"

The other stopped shaking his head and regarded Gin with wide eyes. "Uuha."

"But I'm smiling, see?"

"Ooo!" the hollow swished his head from side to side again. Then the child did something that took Gin completely by surprise. Wonderweiss crouched back down and grabbed the bottom of the shinigami's legs in a tight hug. The captain's aqua eyes opened fractionally and he looked down at the boy, temporarily at a loss for words.

After a silent moment Gin reached down and patted the boy's head, ruffling the messy blond hair slightly.

"Haaah-ee. Ha-ee!" Wonderweiss was beaming and pointing to Gin's face. The child nodded and laughed, the sound bright and tinkling in the musty library air.

Gin found he was smiling, but there was nothing foxy about it. For one of the few times in his long life, Ichimaru Gin's smile was genuine. Perhaps he was not hated by everyone, as he had assumed.

Perhaps he was not alone in this world after all.

"Do ya want to hear the rest, Wonderweiss-san?" Gin inquired softly. The boy's purple eyes sparkled and he gave an enthusiastic "Uuu."

"Alrigh' where were we?"

'So Snow White stayed at the dwarfs' house an' did their cleaning an' cooking an' whatnot. However, the evil queen soon realized that Snow White was still alive because when she asked her mirror who was the fairest lady in the land, the mirror would reply, 'Snow White.'

Enraged, the queen set off for the cottage, following Snow White's reiatsu to the home of the dwarfs. The queen attempted ta kill the girl with her magical zanpakuto, but Snow White pulled out her own zanpakuto an' the two began ta fight. Little did the queen know that good ol' Snow had a bankai, but it still wasn't enough ta defeat the all mighty queen. The queen left Snow White bleedin' and assumed dead in front of the house.

Fortunately for Snow, Dopey-kun came along. Dopey-kun didn't talk much an' was always regarded as the mos' retarded of the dwarfs, but he knew what to do. He used his power ta heal Snow White, and together the two pulled out their zanpakutos, marched over to the queen's palace, and kicked some major ass. Dopey-kun was the hero of the day, and everyone lived happily ever after. The end.'

And who said Fairy Tales were boring?

End.


	9. Valentine's Day for the Gotei

**Behind the Scenes**

_What goes on in the world of Bleach when off-screen?_

_Summary of chapter:_ Urahara and Yoruichi decide to play a prank on the shiginami of Seireitei.

**All characters © Kubo Tite**

* * *

**VII: Final Chapter**

**Valentine's Day for the Gotei**

_2:30 am, Soul Society time_

"Yoruichi-san, please be sure to dampen your reiatsu at this time," Urahara Kisuke said quietly as he and Shihouin Yoruichi stepped through the Senkai Gate. Her long black hair whipped softly behind her as she stepped onto the grass of Seireitei.

"I know, Kisuke," she replied. "Now let's do this."

Kisuke grinned, his jade coat flapping out behind him in the darkness of the early morning hours. "As you wish," he whispered.

The two shinigami slinked silently into the Gotei thirteen divisions like old tomcats in the night. Being more familiar with the shinigami dwellings than Yoruichi despite his time away from Seireitei, Kisuke led his partner to a small building to the side of the first division headquarters. By reading the kanji on the door Yoruichi identified the hut to be the mailroom for the Gotei thirteen.

"Are you sure this is going to work?" she hissed, entering the edifice. Luckily the two had encountered no shinigami on their way over here, and she relaxed her shoulders slightly.

"Don't worry so much, Yoruichi-san," Kisuke answered with a jovial tone. He tipped his hat up and surveyed her with humored green-gray eyes.

"I used to do this all the time when I was a captain, don't you remember?"

Yoruichi snorted, too proud to admit that she did not. "It was a long time ago, Kisuke. I only remember that Yamamoto Soutaichou put a barrier around the mailroom a century or so ago."

The former captain nodded, if a bit sadly. "Makes sense for you not to remember. You were always training with the Special Forces." He grinned mischievously.

"Now that the barrier's broken Yoruichi-san gets to experience the true delights of Seireitei."

"Ah. Why do I get the feeling that we are about to do something illegal?"

* * *

_2:50 am, Soul Society time_

Her golden eyes were bright against the dimness of the mailroom. "Kisuke, you are a genius," she told him.

"Me? A genius?" the store owner flapped his green fan in front of his face with false humbleness. "Don't be silly!"

Yoruichi knocked him on the head playfully. "We'd better do this now before we are discovered," she said, approaching the boxes that hung from the mailroom wall.

Kisuke nodded. "You're right." He followed her and stopped at the large deposit boxes. There were thirteen of them, one for each squad.

"Valentine's day has always been a big event in Soul Society," Kisuke murmured. "Way back, Yamamoto Soutaichou instituted the Valentine System in order to establish good relations and inter-squad communication," he added.

"How did that work out?" Yoruichi asked, genuinely curious.

"Every February 14th the squad members leave little notes and valentines for each other in the appropriate mailbox, but recently it has been a combination of valentines, reminders, and hate-mail," he answered amusedly.

Kisuke opened a random squad's deposit box, which happened to be the one belonging to the sixth division. Peering inside, Urahara grinned. It was full. Perfect.

"Ne Kisuke, you never said how we're going to do this," Yoruichi complained softly.

"No need to fret, my dear Yoruichi-san. I told you I did this all the time."

"Typical. Was this on your list of reasons for being exiled?"

He snorted. "I wouldn't be surprised." A smile played around the corners of his lips.

"Now let's see…I don't have a captain's cloak but this will do." He shrugged off his dark jade overcloak, laying it flat on the mailroom floor. "Normally I would have used one of my inventions to help me, but if I had brought any of them here tonight they would have given us away. No matter."

"I have you to help me now, so we should get this done twice as quickly," Urahara stated. "Yoruichi-san, you know what to do."

"Ah." With that said, she used her _Shunpo_ to empty out the mailboxes at an impossible speed, dumping the hoards of letters out onto Kisuke's cloak.

"Perfect," he said once she was finished, compiling the letters into a somewhat organized pile and tying them up in his cloak. He stood up, picking the green sack of letters.

"Huaah, heavy load this year!" The shinigami turned to Yoruichi. "Now comes the fun part. Are you ready, Yoruichi-san?"

"Of course," she replied with a devious toothy grin. "I can't imagine why I didn't think of this before."

He chuckled, taking her arm and stealthily creeping out of the dark mailroom with his overcloak acting as a voluminous sack of letters. Once out of the division building area and closer to the forest and training grounds, Kisuke and Yoruichi rose high into the air.

"You know one of Benihime's special abilities is her bloodmist shield," Urahara began to the other shinigami. She nodded.

"But did you know her shield can be used for more than just blocking?"

"Where are you going with this, Kisuke?"

He smiled darkly. "We'll use the shield to suspend the letters over Seireitei. If I combine Benihime's natural abilities with a special kidou the bloodmist shield will not only turn invisible but will also allow me to keep track of the binding spell from the real world."

Yoruichi whistled softly from the air. "Nice. So that way all of the letters will be invisible in the sky until the binding breaks. I like the way you think, Kisuke."

The shop owner tipped his hat and began the incantation for the binding shield, untying his cloak so the letters could scatter into the shield.

* * *

_3:10 am, Soul Society time_

"I wish that we could stay and see their faces tomorrow morning," Yoruichi said when they had arrived in front of the Senkai Gate.

"Well technically you mean later this morning," Kisuke remarked dryly. "If we did that we would most likely be caught." He gave a laugh. "Next year I may devise some sort of camera that would work in Seireitei," he said jestingly.

The two shinigami watched as the Gate opened, and together, they stepped through.

"Oh, Kisuke," Yoruichi commented as they ran between worlds. She fumbled in her pocket and produced a small envelope. "Missed one," she said jokingly, holding it out to him as they ran.

"Happy Valentine's Day. I thought you'd like it."

"Kisuke blushed as he took the letter. "Why thank you, Yoruichi-san. Why don't you stop by my shop when we arrive, I may have made something for you too." He grinned happily.

"Sure," she replied comfortably, her bouncing hair hiding the flush on her cheeks. "I'm looking forward to it." And she was.

Without further conversation, the two ran faster in the limbo between the two worlds, disappearing into the darkness.

* * *

_7:00 am, Real-World and Soul Society time_

"Ah." Kisuke looked up from his coffee. "The shield is starting to break."

"Eh? You say something, Tencho?" The red haired boy sitting across from him at the breakfast table was giving him an odd stare.

"No, nothing, Jinta," Urahara said lightly, raising the mug to his lips. He suppressed a smile. The Gotei thirteen was going to be in for a lovely surprise shortly.

After downing his coffee, the shop owner bid his assistants ado and withdrew into the quiet rooms of the shop. He headed out the back door, where Shihouin Yoruichi was leaning against the shop's rear wall.

Kisuke's grin lit up his eyes and stretched to his ears. "The shield has broken," he told the feline shinigami. They playfully slapped each other high-fives.

"Kisuke you sly dog," she scolded jokingly with an approving tone. "You just love wreaking havoc in Soul Society, don't you?"

Urahara shrugged. "It's my nature," he replied nonchalantly. Yoruichi slinked closer to him.

"Thanks for the Valentine's gift, Kisuke," she murmured, tresses of her dark hair swinging forward. "I…enjoyed it very much." She smiled.

The former twelfth-division captain smirked and leaned forward. "I knew you would," he replied.

* * *

_7:10 am, Soul Society time_

Hitsugaya Toushiro rubbed the last vestiges of sleep from his eyes as he walked down the wooden Gotei decks toward his office, preparing himself for the immense amount of paperwork that awaited him. He was aware that today was Valentine's Day, but holiday or no holiday there was work to be done. The small tenth squad captain didn't even bother checking his mailbox for silly valentines and whatnot. Besides, Toushiro had little time to care about such inconsequential matters.

_Fwip._

Hitsugaya opened his eyes as something landed softly in his white hair. He reached up and pulled the object out, which appeared to have came out of nowhere.

_To: Shiro-chan_, the small envelope said (yes, he just happens to get one addressed to him).

Vaguely curious, Toushiro undid the seal to the envelope and extracted the letter, reading what was inside.

_Dear Shiro-chan_, it read. _Happy Valentine's Day! I know you never think much of Yamamoto Soutaichou's Valentine System, but in case you get this I wanted to wish you a happy holiday! If you finish your paperwork early today, how about dinner?_

Toushiro's eyes reached the bottom of the letter.

_Love, Hinamori. P.S. I still feel bad about sending you roses last year, I didn't know you were allergic. Sorry. This time I had Matsumoto put chocolates in your office from me (assuming she didn't eat them). See you later!_

The taichou's aquatic eyes widened and he turned bright red. He hurriedly stuffed the valentine into his captain's robes and walked over cautiously to the railing of the wooden deck, not entirely displeased with the letter. Momo or someone must have been up on the roof and had tossed the letter down from there. Toushiro leaned out from under the canopy of the deck and tilted his neck, angling his face upwards into the light of the morning day.

For a moment Hitsugaya Toushiro thought that it was snowing. Snow was not entirely uncommon in Soul Society, especially giving the time of year. Wait a minute…Toushiro squinted harder.

Some of the things floating down from the sky were pink and red, as well as white. After a closer look the shinigami deduced the "snow" to in fact be hundreds of envelopes and cards raining down on Seireitei.

"W-what is this?" The white-haired captain broke into a run, heading for his office. At the door he almost collided chest-first with his vice-captain. She had a bundle of cards in her hand and was beaming gaily.

"Matsumoto!" Hitsugaya addressed her, slightly out of breath. He saw the letters in her arms. "Explain what's going on now."

"Oh, isn't it great, taichou?" It's raining valentines!" The woman flipped her fiery hair behind her shoulder. "I've already found a bunch for me. Find any for you yet?"

"That's not important now, is it?" Hitsugaya spluttered irascibly, trying to ignore the heat radiating from his face. "Where are all these letters coming from?"

Matsumoto smirked. "Beats me. They all just started raining down from the sky a few minutes ago. I know they're from the mailroom because when I checked all of the divisions' boxes were empty." Her captain nodded, frowning.

"I will be in my room until this nonsense is over with," Hitsugaya said shortly, entering his office and slamming the door.

Matsumoto hid a grin behind her hand. She suspected that her captain had received a very special valentine already. Just wait until he saw the chocolates.

* * *

_7:45 am, Soul Society time_

"Nemu, here's one for you!"

"Wow, I didn't expect you to have _this_ many, Renji."

_"WHAT?"_

"I'm going to kill something."

Soul Society on the morning of February 14th was little less than utter mayhem. Upon waking, everyone soon discovered the valentines falling from the sky. The thirteen divisions had exploded into a scramble to collect all of them. Even Kuchiki-taichou joined in. Valentines, hate mail, and others drifted down for everyone to see.

* * *

**Dear Hisagi, Is there a reason you have the number 69 tattooed on your face? If not, I'd be happy to make a reason for you xD.**

**-Anonymous**

* * *

_Ukitake-taichou:_

_Red _

_Red is the shade of roses,_

_Red is the blood you cough up too._

_Red is my beating heart,_

_And the color of my face whenever I see you._

_-Kotetsu Kiyone _

* * *

Dear Ass-face,

Stop using my men for your freak-ass experiments. I know some of 'em may not be the brightest, But if ya send Yumichika home one more time with hair in places I don't even want to fuckin' say, I'll kill you.

Happy Valentine's Day dickcheese,

-Zaraki-taichou

* * *

_I want the candiessss now, give me ter munchies and I won't much your heads off, kaythanksbyebye._

_-Yachiru_

* * *

_**My dearest Nanao-chan,**_

_**Where hath my little flower vanished off to? I was planning on a romantic moonlit night on the roof, but you never showed up. Are you scared love? No matter, we will have more chances to be alone, know why?**_

**_When I'm with you, _every_ day is Valentine's Day._**

_**With more love than you can imagine,**_

_**-Shunsui. **_

* * *

_Happy V-day, Rangiku! How 'bout we go out later tonight? This time, I'll tell ya where I'm goin'. _

-Gin

* * *

**Matsumoto fukutaichou-**

**Do your jiggly-wigglies taste as good as they look?**

**-Anonymous**

* * *

_Dear Uhohana-taichou of the fourth division,_

_I bid you an auspicious day of the Valentines. Good day. _

_-Kuchiki-taichou_

* * *

To Abarai Renji,

Hello, I am a thief. I am here to steal your heart, and there's nothing you can do about it, my spiky little fireball. I want you to touch me so I can tell everyone I was touched by an angel. Actually, I just want you to touch me.

-your #1 fan.

* * *

**_Ikkaku,_**

**_That damn sake we had gave me diarrhea. Again. Next time try to find one that doesn't taste like vinegar, hmm?_**

**_-Iba_**

* * *

Dear Madarame,

I couldn't sleep again last night. I can't get you off my mind, I don't know why. Want to go out for lunch? My treat.

-Kotetsu Isane fukutaichou

* * *

**Kiyone, Come to the back of the thirteenth division training grounds at three today. **

**You know who.**

* * *

To: Hitsugaya-taichou—

_Roses are red, _

_Violets are blue,_

_You're such a jerk;_

_No wonder you have no one to screw._

-anonymous

* * *

_12:15 pm, Soul Society time_

Yamamoto-Genryusai Soutaichou had finally managed to call a captain's meeting (with great difficulty) and calm things down despite all of the mayhem, screaming, kissing, crying, and ass-kicking that was currently going on.

Division members were running to and fro, trying to collect any valentines that were still falling from the sky. The fourth division was almost full, due in part to the number of squabbles that had broken out but even more so due to the fact the fourth division captain _and_ vice-captain's whereabouts were unknown.

"There is only one person who can be responsible for this," Yamamoto Sou-taichou rumbled, leaning on his cane and surveying the disarrayed Seireitei through his window. Only a few of the captains had shown up for the urgent meeting.

"I now regret taking the barrier off the mailroom."

"Y-you don't mean…" Ukitake came to a sudden realization, being one of the oldest captains in the Gotei thirteen. Shunsui's brown eyes widened a moment later, as well as some of the other older captains present.

"Exactly."

_"URAHARA!"_

Somewhere in the real-world, a blonde shop owner and a golden-eyed woman were laughing rather loudly.


End file.
